In the Middle of It

It seems a little selfish to share what is happening with us when there are so many around the world that have it worse than we do.  We are safe and secure and have enough food.  In all honesty, I just feel like we are in “emergency mode” trying to do the day-in and day-out things to keep our heads above water.  It’s not easy, some days are downright brutal where I am surprised I get up to face it all again the next day.  I could complain and I could give a list of our frustrations and struggles, but I’ll be real honest, I just don’t have the energy for that.  I have read a lot about grieving so much during this time.  I get it.  There is a whole heck of a lot to grieve.  But in all honesty, I just haven’t allowed myself to go there.  It isn’t because we are these well-adapted humans that can handle anything that comes our way, far from that if you know us very well.  It isn’t because we shouldn’t grieve, we probably should and those around us talking about that, I am glad you are able to do that.  For myself, I just haven’t allowed myself to go there.  Maybe I am weak, maybe my mind just knows if I go there, I will go further down a road into a negative place.  Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t like things are super sunshiny, I am just trying to focus on positive, not negative because there seems to be a lot more negative around us these days than positive.  I have moments, usually by myself when something or nothing really sparks something, and I break down.  I feel it when my kids are worried and understanding a lot more about the Coronavirus than they should.  When they question why we are inside or when they pray sweet prayers for those who have coronavirus or that it would “go-away fast!”  My heart hurts a little when my middle is worried she may get sick but then repeats back that she knows God is with us.  When there are tears because of homework and reading and knowing that it really has nothing to do with the reading or homework, just trying to navigate through feelings not understood and ground not yet walked because none of us have done this before.  So, we hug tighter and longer.  We try to give grace to each other knowing that a lot of our frustrations and strong words are just outcries of not being in control, of trekking new things.  Some days I want to be negative, I want to write a laundry list of my grievances to whoever will listen, but it’s no one’s fault.  The reality I know about myself is that I need the positive, I need to surround myself with it.  So, although I can’t yet go to the grieving place, I am trying to be honest about where I am.  But also realize that we have been given time.  A few weeks ago the thought of doing a scavenger hunt would have seemed overwhelming.  But now I am cherishing the moments we have of laughter, soccer games as a family, picnics on the terrace, fun homemade meals.  I am hoping the moments of laughing until our tummies hurt because mom whiffs the shot in soccer will outweigh the moments of frustration with homework or emotions that aren’t understood.  I pray that the grief is outweighed by longer hugs, more “I love you’s”, deeper conversations, dance parties spontaneously to get the frustrations out, yoga learning, less focus on calendars and plans and more on time together.  I pray grace can be given as we traverse emotions none of us understand, circumstances out of our control and peace in the middle of all of the chaos around us.

Peace to you as well.