But… I don’t WANT TO God!

I’m sure I can’t be the ONLY mom out there who worries about their kid. I suppose that is a normal thing. Like I said, I know I’m probably not alone. There are incidences that sometimes make you more aware of the bad things that COULD happen as well. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had a close call with your kiddo where you realize how close you were to something hurting or happening to them. RIGHT? Please tell me I’m not the only one… I’m typically not a control freak. Not someone who has to do it all myself. But I feel when it comes to Simeon, WE as his parents, are the ones who are supposed to protect him and keep him safe. I KNEW in my head that God was with him and protecting him, but when it comes to GIVING them to Jesus, putting them in God’s hands, do we do that? I keep thinking I can do it better until I realize… I can’t! A few months ago, I had one of those ‘close calls’ and realized just how close we came to Simeon getting hurt. I worried, I lost sleep, I worried, I cried and I was SO overcome with a feeling of fear and worry, that I couldn’t concentrate at work or on anything else I was doing because I was so afraid. It seemed like no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the fear that something would happen. Now, in all honesty, I’m sure this is perpetuated by the fact that I used to work in the pediatric ICU where I saw the kids and families who were in the midst of bad things happening. THEY were experiencing those worst fears coming true. So, it’s not like I’m naive enough to think those things can’t happen. That makes it worse. Before we had Simeon, I remember hearing multiple times that when you have kids, you make a choice, knowing that at some time that child will hurt, you will see them hurt, in different ways and you don’t know what will happen to them. I remember making a conscious choice to have kids. But, I don’t think as a parent you understand the risk that is taken with that. You don’t KNOW what will happen. You aren’t guaranteed to have a perfectly healthy child or that you will outlive your child or that bad things won’t happen to them. I think most of the time, for me, I put that out of my mind, probably subconsciously because I don’t want to think about that. The same time that I heard that having kids is a choice you make, not knowing what will happen, I also remember hearing that our children are not ours. God literally GIVES them to us to care for and nurture. We aren’t guaranteed to always get it right, we aren’t guaranteed how long they will be with us or what they will grow up to be or do. You would think that wouldn’t give much comfort to a mom or dad who worries and has sleepless nights about their kids and what can happen. But it is such a good reminder to me that JESUS LOVES MY KID MORE THAN ME! HE LOVED HIM FIRST, before I did. Am I really so crazy to think that for a moment God lets him our of His sight? He is always with him, when I can’t be. THAT IS COMFORT! …

Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.… -Psalm 139: 12-14

Psalm 91 One that I just absolutely love and hold on to when I worry and feel anxious and overwhelmed for protection for Simeon. My Refuge and My Fortress 1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say[a] to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” 3 For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. 4 He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. 5 You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday. 7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. 8 You will only look with your eyes and see the recompense of the wicked. 9 Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place— the Most High, who is my refuge[b]— 10 no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent. 11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. 12 On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone. 13 You will tread on the lion and the adder; the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot. 14 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. 15 When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. 16 With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”