In His Hands

I would like to ask you to close your eyes and imagine…however, I am acutely aware that if you do this, you won’t be able to read anymore.  So, I guess imagine this story in your mind as I explain it here and develop a picture in your mind what this looks like.

Esther is almost one year old!  Time seems to fly by so quickly at this stage.  A recent experience with Esther recently reminded me of how God must look at me right now in my situation.  A few weeks ago, we were all trying to get Esther to walk to us.  Her little hands VERY TIGHTLY wrapped around my index fingers.  She’s strong enough and even balanced enough to be able to take a few steps to Joel and Simeon, but she would just NOT let go of my fingers.  There’s nothing magic about my fingers, she’d probably be even a little more balanced standing on her own to try and walk, but she just couldn’t let go, take those first steps on her own and trust that she can do it.

I like to think of myself as different than this picture I described above, but the bottom line is I am just like Esther in this sense in my relationship with God.  I know I can trust Him, I have seen Him carry and guide and love me time and time again.  So, why does it take so much for me to let go and let Him carry me and guide me?  He has given me the strength to do it, it’s my own self that holds me back…

Let me explain…

I have had a dream since I was 10 years old of being a medical missionary.  When we came back as long term missionaries, I FINALLY (after SO many years) started seeing this dream become a reality.  I thought, “Finally God, all the hard work, tears and frustrations, TIME, PREPARATION, it’s all worth it, it’s finally come true!”  YEAH!

On the other side of this, our lives were beginning to spin a little out of control as far as how busy we were.  As much as we WANTED and LONGED for peace, calm and consistency in our lives, we just couldn’t find it.  In reality we couldn’t find time to find it.  As we began to evaluate our chaos, we realized something had to give.  As we anticipated the medical clinic opening and my responsibilities increasing more in ministry as well as our 3rd child coming, we realized and sensed with urgency a change coming.  In passing one day, Joel had mentioned the idea of me staying at home solely with the kids.  In passing and we didn’t even talk more about it that day.  As I thought (for literally a few seconds) about it I realized I was angry that he would even suggest it.  So, from that point on, I basically put it out of my mind because I couldn’t bring myself to think about it, to think of letting go of that dream that I know God has given me.  I didn’t want to face it.  I didn’t want to let go of those fingers and trust that maybe there was something better God had at this time…

In April, I had planned to have a retreat guided by Velvet Ashes.  On the way to meet up with a friend for this retreat, Joel and I talked in the car and this subject was once again brought up.  For a while I didn’t say anything, but I could feel my heart welling up and then just blurted out “how could you even ask me to do this, I’ve been preparing for this since I was 10 years old!”  Obviously not a great response, but after that, Joel said he wouldn’t ask me to do that.  However, I really felt, even in the midst of the anger and, well just ANGER I felt, that if he brought it up again, that it is something I should evaluate and pray about, what better time than a retreat to do so!  It was a pretty difficult retreat although I did really feel like the Holy Spirit was moving in my spirit.  After that retreat, much to my surprise, I felt at peace making a decision to let go.  I didn’t know exactly what that might look like, but after talking about it with Joel, we came to a compromise of me primarily staying at home with the kids, but still practicing in the clinic on Wednesdays like I do now and organizing volunteers and medical teams when they come down as well as other administrative tasks in the clinic.

A friend recently told me when I was talking with her about this decision, she said, sometimes God only gives us a glimpse, just enough, just a piece for this time of what He has for us.  Nothing more because that’s all He gives.  I TOTALLY get it and I feel that is what God has given me.  He gave me just enough to make this decision, not more, not less, just peace enough for THIS time and THIS moment for what He has.  I don’t think that God has closed the door on this dream He has given me for all these years and I don’t think I worked in vein to get to where I am.  I do think that at this point it may be on hold for other opportunities and passions to come forth that I am not even aware of.  I think this time if for raising kids and THAT is a huge ministry in itself.

Through this period of time, I have resorted back to this song many times to focus my heart and mind on God and his beauty and laying my motives and burdens at His feet.

“Beautiful”

Here before Your alter
I am letting go of all I’ve held
Of every motive, every burden
Everything that’s of myselfAnd I just wanna wait on You, my God
I just wanna dwell on who You areBeautiful, beautiful
Oh, I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, beautiful
Oh Lord You’re beautiful to me

Here in Your presence
I am not afraid of brokenness
To wash Your feet with humble tears
I would be poured out till nothing’s left

And I just wanna wait on You, my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful
Oh, I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, beautiful
Oh Lord You’re beautiful to me

Beautiful
You’re beautiful, oh You’re beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful

Holy, holy, holy You are, You are
Holy, holy, holy You are, You are
Holy, holy, holy You are, You are
Holy, holy, holy You are, You are

Beautiful, beautiful
Oh, I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, beautiful
Oh Lord You’re beautiful to me

You’re beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful