It’s been a couple of months ago that I had the idea to write this particular blog. Don’t ask why it has taken so long; I suppose this is the time God wanted me to write it-as God seems to be pretty amazing about that whole timing thing ya know… If you know me or have read my blogs, you know that I absolutely LOVE the worship music of Kari Jobe I was listening to one of her songs, Healer. I have listened to this song 100 times before, but when I listened to it this specific time, it’s simple and known words, I realized that I was seriously missing something. We humans pray for healing, we pray that God will heal, that He will heal our bodies, our land, our minds, our hearts. I think of times that I have so desperately prayed for healing for others, not doubting at all that Christ can do it if He so chooses. It was a little different when I started praying for healing for myself. Joel and I have been trying to have another baby for about 2 years or so now and have been unsuccessful. This has been a struggle, a deep one for me and I feel like my body is broken because I can’t seem to easily do what so many women can so easily. In my work, I see women all the time who are so disappointed when they get pregnant and it hurts me and my heart breaks a little because we so desperately want another child. Infertility issues are common nowadays. I know so many women struggle with it, and each one deals with it in their own way. Some are angry, and don’t think I haven’t been there. But I really have felt like I’m just not whole because this part of life has been difficult. This is not meant to be a pitty party, it’s not. I do know that God has a plan. I do though, want to tell you my journey in infertility and how wholeness and healing started with the simple words of a song. As I listened to this song Healer and really thought about the words, I realized the way I looked at healing all my life may have been wrong. Of course God can heal at any moment, He does, He has and He will. I have never doubted that at all. However, the process of healing and the way a person is healed may not always be as expected. In the words of the song, I realized that wholeness is in Christ. It is not if your body or your mind is whole, but understanding that wholeness comes through Christ. I asked myself the question, “Am I OK with Jesus being sufficient enough for me, even if we can’t ever have another biological baby?” AM I OK WITH THAT?Because if I can’t be fulfilled and have enough with Christ, it’s not going to matter if we have another baby. Now, maybe this is elementary for all of you saints and biblical scholars. However, to really understand that and to really be whole and healed and have Jesus as your portion and to actually do it and not just say it is difficult. Initially, I didn’t like my answer to the question. It meant being OK with giving that dream and wish and hope up. It meant being OK without more biological children. That was hard for me to swallow. But, if every, and I mean EVERY area isn’t given to Christ, is wholeness possible? So, I had to make that choice. Do I pray for healing in my body, or do I pray for wholeness in Christ? Am I OK with NOT being healed? Does this happen overnight???? Of course not. Giving up something you have held onto so tightly is never easy. But as much as I have to give Simeon to Jesus daily, so do I have to give up each aspect of life to Him as well. I encourage you… WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING ON TO? Is it healing for yourself or someone else? Whatever it is, God can take care of it better than you can. He wants what is best for you, but we have to trust that He knows better that we do. It’s not easy. It’s a journey, but He wants to walk with us, not make us carry it on our own. Her are the words and the song by Kari Jobe.
“Healer”
You hold my very moment You calm my raging seas You walk with me through fire And heal all my disease I trust in You, I trust in You I believe You’re my healer I believe You are all I need I believe And I believe You’re my portion I believe You’re more than enough for me Jesus You’re all I need You hold my very moment You calm my raging seas You walk with me through fire And heal all my disease I trust in You, Lord I trust in You I believe You’re my healer I believe You are all I need Oh, I believe I believe You’re my portion I believe You’re more than enough for me Jesus You’re all I need Nothing is impossible for You Nothing is impossible Nothing is impossible for You You hold my world in Your hands Nothing is impossible for You Nothing is impossible Nothing is impossible for You You hold my world in Your hands I believe You’re my healer I believe You are all I need Oh, yes You are, yes You are And I believe You’re my portion Lord I believe You’re more than enough for me Jesus You’re all I need More than enough for me Jesus You’re all I need You’re my healer
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The Santiago Partnership