The Grief of Goodbye

One evening this week, I was huddled over my youngest child with tears from both of us as he talked about how his day had gone with one of his friends.  He said he didn’t understand why his friend was feeling distant.  It brought tears for me that my young son would have to learn this lesson way earlier in life than I did that sometimes people distance themselves from us when they know they will have to feel the sadness and grief of goodbye. Everyone experiences this, but no one likes to feel it, the grief of goodbye.

In mission life, we may not want to admit that we have purposely distanced ourselves from people who are on the horizon of leaving.  It’s a pretty common thing that happens, both unfortunately, but also not unexpected.  The pain that repetitive goodbyes bring is a hard and harsh reality that missionaries face.  For some, it is easier to protect or shield yourself from that pain by not having close relationships, knowing it will end in goodbye, sooner than what we want it to.  This is also a reason that mission life can be lonely.  But, I also understand shielding yourself from the pain.  Once you have experienced it, you never want to again because it feels like your heart breaks and pieces are taken each time. It is one thing to experience this ourselves as adults, but it is a completely different arena you enter when you have to watch your kids experience it.

Again this week, I watched from above as I cradled my second child who was crying because she doesn’t want to go to the U.S.  As the date to leave to go back to the U.S. comes closer and closer, all of us hold our emotions at the service which means they may come out at the drop of a hat, or less.  It is quite a helpless feeling knowing that there is nothing you can do to ease the pain of the grief of goodbye.  As much as I want to for my children, to shield and protect them, I can’t.  The result is we just sit in the grief with them.  Because as much as we, as adults, believe that the grief may be less, it isn’t.  That grief is alive for all of us, even if we have experienced it many times before.  I keep repeating that they aren’t alone.  We are in it with them, Jesus is in it with them also.  As much as they may bring some kind of reprieve, we still sit in it and it still hurts.  It still stings.

You may wonder why I write something that seems so sad.  Well, the reason is goodbyes are sad most of the time.  As we prepare to go back to the U.S., if you are reading this, you likely will see us or another missionary at some point.  Be gentle.  When we are returning to the U.S., although it may feel or seem that it would be good, the reality is, at this point, we are more at home in Ecuador.  If we are with you and tears come, give us grace and maybe a hug.  Our emotions are raw and real.  We know this about ourselves and are fine with it, but sometimes it is hard to experience with us.  Give us grace as we grieve our goodbyes.