“Are you excited?”
This is the question that everyone seems to be asking me these days. Whenever conversation steers its way to our move back to Ecuador, almost 100% of the time, people lead with this question.
And the answer is YES! Of course! But more accurately, the answer is yes, and… Yes, I am excited. And I am terrified. And I am full of questions. And I am taking great comfort in returning to a community where we already have friends and relationships to build on. And I am grieving all that our family will inevitably lose with our move. And I am anxious to discover all that we will gain. And I am doubting my own abilities. And I am beyond encouraged by those around us that have already committed to walking this road with us. And. And. And.
All this gray. All of this living in the space filled with so many conflicting emotions. With each day I am given, I am realizing more and more that much of life is lived in these very spaces. The spaces that are messy and confusing. Spaces that don’t fit together with clean, sharp edges. More often, life is blurry and we are left with seasons and emotions and relationships that bleed into one another. As a first born perfectionist with a bent towards a type-A personality, I can find this exhausting. I like my check lists and schedules and well thought out plans.
Life won’t always fit into my boxes of right or wrong, good or bad, hard or easy.
I want to continue to learn how to live well in the gray. I want to learn to see the beauty that only exists when the colors bleed together. I want to be open to feeling it all so that I don’t miss a thing. I want to remain present to how it continues to shape and form us. I want to continue to learn that there is so much of life to be lived and experienced outside of the confines of the neat and tidy boxes I try to stuff it into. Perhaps most important of all is how we choose to live and learn to trust in the midst of the gray.
So, yes, I am excited.