i want to know

I keep four months of huge calendar pages on our kitchen wall. It helps me look ahead and know what is coming up and at least pretend like I have a handle on what is coming up down the road of life. It has been extremely helpful in these past few months while we have been traveling so much. At the end of every month, I pull down a month of days lived and in its place add another month in its place. And every month I find myself wondering if in the next 30 days we will write on one of those blank squares, “Move to Ecuador”.

“When do you move?”

It seems to be the question on everyone’s lips these days. Friends we see almost daily, family members far away, friends we bump into around Chicago and those we have connected with around the country. And with very good reason. It’s the question on my lips too.

And with every cell in my body, I wish that we had a definitive answer to that question. With every. single. cell.

We have been in a state of transition for months now, and I find myself very ready for the limbo to end. I think I have done ok up to this point, managing the uncertainty of this major change in our life. The unknown was ok for a while, even exciting to think about.  It felt adventurous and faith-filled and _________. But more often than not, these days I am now just feeling worn out and wanting certainty and control and to be able to look people in the eye with an exact date when they ask us that question. I want to look at my calendar on my wall and know for certain that I can make plans with friends because I will know if we will be in this country…or not. I want to go to Costco and buy the bulk size laundry detergent without questioning if we will be here long enough to use it all up. I want to know when it makes sense to get rid of things in our house. I want to know. I want to know. I want to know.

However, knowing is not something that I have right now. We have guesses and hopes and thoughts, but a firm and concrete date to make plans for and to frame this chapter of our life has not yet made itself known. More fundraising must be done, more paperwork gathered up and submitted, and more conversations had. So we continue to wade through the advent season of waiting and preparation in our life. And perhaps we are reluctantly learning more fully what it means for this section of the journey to be marked as faith filled.

Please continue to ask us “When are you moving?” For one day we will have a neat and tidy answer to give. Complete with a date and time of departure. And in the meantime, know that we are so glad to have such good people in our here and now to wait it out with.