Big Bad John

Post a Comment » Written on February 9th, 2006     
Filed under: News
CHICAGO, IL (February 9, 2006) – Editor’s note: apologies to Jimmy Dean for the following rendition of “Big Bad John,” written by Paul and Linda Koptak and offered during a dinner honoring retired North Park Theological Professor Dr. C. John Weborg. Singing Group

Some say he came in from the Nebraska Plains,
Some say from Princeton on the eastbound train,
Came to town and he came to fame,
As the Saint Johnny Rome, but we all knew the name of Big John.

Well he walked into Nyvall and it soon was clear,
That the baddest theologian of them all was here,
He settled upstairs and the building shook,
Cuz it took two offices to hold the books of Big John.

He went to the classroom and he took the floor,
And he used big words until your head was sore,
Never really sure what it was we were learning,
But we knew polyvalence wasn’t plastic curtains – Big John.

He wrote all his lectures with Mont Blanc Pen,
He never asked for any help from IBM,
Colleagues would laugh and ask him when
He’d get himself wired, he’d just hold up that pen – Big John.

Then there was the day we all came running,
There at Guylla’s desk the computer was humming,
Something was wrong, the box smoking and shaking,
Looked like something of the devil’s making.

What with XP, Sem Connect and Blackboard Six,
Web Advisor playing its usual tricks,
New calendar, new programs, it hit overload,
“Take cover,” she yelled, “it’s gonna explode.”

And just when we thought it wouldn’t take any more,
We heard a voice calling outside the door,
“Anyone for coffee?” and we turned to see
The John Deere mug and the cookies three of – Big John.

Well he looked around at that awful scene,
The skull and crossbones flashing on the screen,
He knew right then what he had to do,
He reached in his pocket and out flew the pen of Big John.

He pulled off the cap and he swung it like a sword,
And he rammed the point into that back of that board,
Sparks started flying as the pen took that charge,
John’s head jerked back and his eyes grew large;
His lips curled and hair stood on end,
That’s when we thought we’d all seen the end of Big John.

The computer was quiet – it gave no sound,
The pen was fried and it fell to the ground,
But John was still standing, looking into his hand,
For the best friend a scholar could ever have – Big John.

Then he opened his mouth and began to speak,
Out came the words of a techno-geek,
Then we knew for sure the computer was dead,
But all that data had gone into the head – of Big John.

Well he thought he’d retire, but he had to stay,
He’s been sitting in the dean’s office to this day,
He’s the main frame, the first data cyborg,
You can read it on the internet at – Big John.

Copyright © 2011 The Evangelical Covenant Church.

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