{"id":4380,"date":"2013-02-20T19:31:59","date_gmt":"2013-02-21T00:31:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.covchurch.org\/ywupdate\/?p=4380"},"modified":"2013-02-20T19:31:59","modified_gmt":"2013-02-21T00:31:59","slug":"single-in-youth-ministry-her-view","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/blogs.covchurch.org\/ywupdate\/2013\/02\/20\/single-in-youth-ministry-her-view\/","title":{"rendered":"Single in Youth Ministry: Her View"},"content":{"rendered":"

Meet Casey Langley<\/h2>\n

\"\"<\/a> “Pray. And please call me or email me and remind me that I said<\/h5>\n
all of this because by tomorrow, I will have forgotten”<\/h5>\n

 <\/p>\n

She and her cat, Phoebe, live in Fort Worth, Texas, where Casey is the Director of Youth Ministries at First United Methodist Church. Her parents, brother, and sister-in-law\u00a0live in Tennessee, so they Skype a lot.<\/p>\n

How long have you been in ministry?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nine years (although sometimes disrupted by school)<\/p>\n

How many churches\/positions have you served in?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Technically six. Excluding summer internships and seminary field education placements, two.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

How do you keep your personal life and your church life separate? If you\u2019ve changed your strategy over the course of your ministry, what prompted the separation and how were you able to separate the two lives?\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

I got into youth ministry knowing that setting boundaries was going to be extremely difficult for me. I get invested in the people with whom I have been entrusted and I go all-in. With teenagers, that\u2019s complicated further by the fact that they really can (and will) try to connect at any time. \u201cDays off\u201d (whatever that means!) aren\u2019t usually going to be days off because the cell phone has to stay on. The challenge is that I want them to feel like they can reach out\u2026that they can ask questions, tell me exciting news, ask me to pray for something that\u2019s going on, or count on me to be there if they\u2019ve gotten themselves into something and need help.<\/p>\n

I have learned that if I\u2019m going to be healthy, energized, and truly present with them, then I do need to make time that is mine. I am really good at just saying no <\/em>when it comes to tasks. For the sake of my health, I can walk away from administrative work without much guilt. I can walk away from perfecting details of something and not lose much sleep over it anymore. But if a student makes contact, saying no<\/em> is basically impossible for me. I would love to have a strategy, <\/em>but I haven\u2019t figured it out yet.<\/p>\n

As a single person, is more expected of you? \u201cYou don\u2019t have a spouse or kids to worry about, so why do you need to be at home? Why can\u2019t you work longer hours?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

[When I was graduating from seminary, one of my mentors told me to get a dog before I started my first job out of school. A dog always needs to pee and if you\u2019re going to be single in ministry, you\u2019ll always need an excuse to get out of there. A dog that needs to pee is an excellent excuse. I don\u2019t have a dog but I think this is awesome advice!]<\/em><\/p>\n

I think I do this to myself. I\u2019m not sure the expectations are as external as they are internal. I think there is something in me that says I can <\/em>do more so I should <\/em>do more. And I\u2019m sure I am quicker to give in to that personal pressure because I don\u2019t have the built-in excuse of a family waiting for me at home. So when I get the strong sense that I am losing my life to others\u2019 expectations of my time, I claim what I need. Sometimes it can be as simple as planning to take half a day off after a particularly busy season. Sometimes it hits me hard and I will say out loud to whomever is around, \u201cYeah, it\u2019s time for me to not be here.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em>(I usually reserve that move for my staff and some youth families.) And I\u2019m blessed to have people who hold me accountable.<\/p>\n

How do you keep from having all of your friendships at church? <\/strong><\/p>\n

I have some really meaningful friendships from the church. There are some youth parents and a couple volunteers\/young adults with whom I can be candid. They have loved tremendously well and I have found security in those friendships. But I would say that sometimes, I don\u2019t feel totally safe just *being Casey. *Sometimes it is just difficult to totally relax, which is often what I need more than anything. So while it is infinitely more challenging to make these outside friendships, I\u2019m healthier when I\u2019m both within *and* beyond the social reach of my congregation. The gym is a really great place to connect. I also recently got plugged into another local church young adult group. Throwing myself out of my default rhythm has been the best move for me.<\/p>\n

How do you deal with the fact that all of your friends may be older than you?<\/strong><\/p>\n

My best friend at work is 85. I\u2019m not joking. He\u2019s easily the coolest person I\u2019ve ever met\u2026but he\u2019s 85. We go to lunch as often as once a week.\u00a0 He gets one fried fish taco and spends around an hour and a half eating it. It\u2019s amazing and oftentimes the hardest I laugh in a week. I\u2019d like to meet another 28-year-old single woman for whom that is true. It\u2019s weird. Additionally, I work on a large church staff of around 45 people. I think I\u2019m one of five employees under 40. So while I\u2019m friends with a lot of people on staff, we are certainly not walking through the same stage of life. I\u2019m terribly grateful for my friendships at work. I\u2019m grateful for the way my older friends love me. I\u2019m blessed to be present with them, hear their stories, and benefit from their wisdom. So I guess I deal with this by choosing to be grateful for these friends, but not relying on them to be my only<\/em> friends.<\/p>\n

Is your personal life really ever your own? Or do you always feel the need to be \u201con guard?\u201d In what way?<\/strong><\/p>\n

No. I wouldn\u2019t say that my life is ever really my own. When I was 17, I sat in a monastery, wept, surrendered to a call that had been placed on my heart. I told God that I understood my life was no longer my own. So for the most part, that doesn\u2019t really trouble me. I haven\u2019t ever questioned the decision to surrender. Because I haven\u2019t really ever known an adult life without youth ministry, I\u2019m not sure how my life would be different outside of the fishbowl.<\/p>\n

Emergencies aside, how do you handle times when church comes before personal time or family obligations? For instance, you\u2019ve planned a reunion weekend with college buddies or a trip to see your family, but the senior pastor schedules a last minute meeting or event that you are required to attend.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I work for a senior pastor who, I feel like I can confidently say, both loves and respects me. So I guess I handle this by not working for someone who would put me in this situation. If I have made plans to do something that is important or good for me, I can\u2019t imagine that I would be prevented from going for something that was last minute. I feel like I could comfortably say that I wasn\u2019t going to be available and that would be OK. Again, working on a large church staff means that there is usually someone else who could be there in my place.<\/p>\n

How do you date and maintain credibility with your youth and their parents? Some parents may see dating as questionable behavior even when there\u2019s nothing serious going on.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think that has been an issue for me (partly because it hasn\u2019t come up much here yet\u2014wah!). But I can\u2019t imagine that any of our parents would take any issue with me dating or being in a relationship. I think they want that for me. Yikes\u2026they would probably be over-the-top excited. I really doubt I would lose credibility or respect.<\/p>\n

Regardless of the likely support, I probably wouldn\u2019t share too much with them. I don\u2019t think it would be responsible to share the details<\/em> of the ups and downs of dating. I don\u2019t think it would be wise to let that many people (<\/em>especially enthusiastic <\/em>people!)<\/em> into a relationship before it was meaningful or significant. I suspect I\u2019d hold that pretty close until I thought there was enough foundation laid to withstand the force of my students and families. This would be to protect everyone\u2014my students and their parents and<\/em> the person with whom I was in a relationship and <\/em>myself.<\/p>\n

How do you fend off unwanted \u201cprospects\u201d? The mom who keeps telling you about her single nephew or the senior pastor who wants to introduce you to his granddaughter? <\/strong><\/p>\n

Honest answer? Sometimes I wish this would happen more than it does! I get a lot of \u201cI should introduce you to _________,\u201d but not a lot of follow-through. Because the church is so big, it probably wouldn\u2019t feel as high-pressure if I actually did connect with someone that way. It would be way less personal and overwhelming than in a small church where everyone knows everyone and everyone is watching. I\u2019m not sure how I would handle that.<\/p>\n

Youth ministers (and all of those in ministry roles) are expected to maintain a certain level of belief without doubt, to love their jobs and the kids to whom they minister, and to be happy that they are able to have a job in which all you do is worship God and love kids. How do you deal with that \u201chappiness\u201d myth and with the reality that sometimes this is not the job you thought you wanted? That you\u2019re never able to truly leave work at work?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Wow. If all I did was worship God and love kids, my life would be the coolest!<\/p>\n

I think when we decide to go into youth ministry, we picture ourselves speaking in front of rooms of captivated students, sitting and praying with a student who has just found out her parents are getting divorced, playing games full throttle, encouraging seniors who are about to graduate and enter a new stage of life, supporting parents who are struggling to connect to their children, cheering at band concerts\/games\/recitals\/plays, sitting with a student when he is too devastated to speak, talking to a students who think they are being called into youth ministry. This is the dream. These are the things we really live for. And my life is filled with a lot this!<\/p>\n

But I also spend a lot of time on paperwork, meetings, e-mails, phone calls from the frustrated and disappointed. I\u2019m updating the website, cleaning up messes, and doing damage control. I\u2019m going back and forth between how things have *always been* and how I dream they *could be*. I\u2019m hoping I don\u2019t say the wrong thing at the wrong time. And I\u2019m always wondering if anything is sticking!<\/p>\n

But here\u2019s what I know: God called me. I have never questioned that. The church isn\u2019t perfect and I will have tough days. But my life has been set apart and I have the joy of spending it walking alongside teenagers in arguably the most overwhelming and intense time of their lives. I have the responsibility of helping them make these years great and memorable and safe. I get to see their faces when they realize for the first time that they are desperately loved by God. I get to know them at their best (and their worst!). I get to imagine who they will become and what God is going to do with their lives. I get to pray with them and for them. I get to be a youth minister.<\/p>\n

I guess I\u2019m not sure I\u2019m ever not working. I also don\u2019t know how to measure that. They are always in my head. They are always on my heart. But God gave me this head and this heart and I\u2019m not sure there\u2019s much I can do about it. No, it\u2019s not always fun. Sometimes it\u2019s heart-breaking. And it\u2019s more-than-sometimes lonely. But I am called. And I know that matters. So I deal with it by remembering. I remember who I am. I remember being 17 and saying \u201cyes.\u201d I remember I the moments when I have seen them living out God\u2019s love. I remember their faces and I see Jesus in them. I remember that my life kind of is the coolest.<\/p>\n

And sometimes I just call my mom.<\/p>\n

Any other advice for fellow single youth ministers?<\/strong><\/p>\n

It seems crazy that I would be giving other single youth ministers advice because I\u2019m absolutely sure that I could be navigating this so much better.<\/p>\n

I guess I would just say to take care of yourselves. Make sure someone is pouring into you. Find a time and a place to worship during which you have no responsibilities. Carve out Sabbath each week (or each day!). Exercise (preferably not at a gym that specializes in senior water aerobics). Sleep however much you need to each night so that you can function well each day. Remember that you are a whole person regardless of your relationship status. Pray. And please call me or email me and remind me that I said all of this because by tomorrow, I will have forgotten.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Langley, Casey. “Single in Youth Ministry: Her View.” The Center for Youth Ministry Training<\/em>. N.p., 02 06 2013. Web. Web. 20 Feb. 2013. <http:\/\/www.cymt.org\/single-in-youth-ministry-her-view\/>.<\/p>\n

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Meet Casey Langley “Pray. And please call me or email me and remind me that I said all of this because by tomorrow, I will have forgotten”   She and her cat, Phoebe, live in Fort Worth, Texas, where Casey is the Director of Youth Ministries at First United Methodist Church. 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