Ministry Seeks to Help Boys Transition into Manhood

TULSA, OK (July 24, 2006) – How does a boy become a man?

That question spawned an entirely new ministry outreach for folks at Redeemer Covenant Church here as they looked with dismay at the way in which today’s culture suggests boys should become men.

“Our culture offers boys a view of what it means to become a man, and that view is not always a healthy one,” says Evan Gundy, high school ministries assistant, who says peer pressure and an emphasis on alcohol, drugs and sex have distorted the view of a healthy male role model.

“We wanted to develop benchmarks from a faith-based perspective,” he says. “The concerns for boys go much deeper, involving their identity, especially their identity as men in Christ.”

Those concerns led Denise McKinney, director of student ministries at Redeemer, along with Gundy and a group of others in the church, to develop an interactive program – privately known as a “rite of passage” – that pairs boys with their fathers and other male leaders in the church in a process of exploring what it means to evolve from a boy into manhood within a Christian context.

The idea surfaced five years ago, according to McKinney. “We recognized that girls process the change into adulthood differently than boys do – girls process the small group experience differently. We wanted to reach the guys.” Girls have milestone events, i.e. a group of girls chatting around a table and sharing with one another, she points out. “It is not so for guys – they are often more activity oriented.”

A number of Redeemer volunteers attended a seminar three years ago that focused on new ways to reach boys in the seventh and eighth grades. “Our people came back excited to do something here – to give students mile markers in their faith,” McKinney relates.

Self-identity is only one of the challenges facing boys going through this transition into adulthood, both McKinney and Gundy point out. Finding ways to keep boys and their dads connected and involved in each other’s lives is another.

“The people we interact with lead busy lives,” McKinney says in assessing Redeemer’s 900-attender congregation. “Dads often work 80 hours a week. Kids may not necessarily have a good role model. And some kids have dads who never knew what a good father relationship was like. So, how can they help their son to understand what a good father image looks like? We also have many blended families and broken homes. For many kids, it’s a crazy and mixed up experience. There simply are fewer positive role models in the culture today.”

Gundy believes creating a positive picture of what a good male role model looks like is more effective than reacting to and focusing on the negative aspects of the culture surrounding these young men. A committee was formed to review and evaluate materials assembled by Mike King, who used to occupy Gundy’s position. King currently serves on staff as an interim youth pastor while working on an M.Div. degree.

Four key characteristics and statements defining a good male role model emerged from the evaluative process:

• A Christian man will reject passivity
• A Christian man will accept responsibility
• A Christian man will lead courageously
• A Christian man will expect the greater reward

The fourth characteristic – accepting the greater reward – suggests the Christian man will reject what the world offers, recognizing there is a higher calling in response to the invitation by Jesus and his sacrifice for us – a calling that requires a life of grace, mercy and obedience.

“The world offers lots of stuff,” Gundy observes. “These young men need to learn that the greater reward will be received when we reach heaven, and they need to understand the importance of living their lives toward that goal.”

The program developed to reach the young men and their fathers is known by the intriguing acronym GORE – Guys Only Retreat – and is intentionally shrouded in a veil of mystery. “We like the sense of mystery so that the young men experience things they didn’t expect,” McKinney explains.

The invitation to GORE comes via a DVD, often left by cooperative parents on top of a bed or nightstand. About 20 seconds in length, it features a walk through the woods with scripture appearing and punctuated by intense music. It does not issue the invitation directly; rather, it gives a sense of the experience and whets the appetite. Parents agree up front to be intensely involved in the process if their child chooses to become involved.

The most recent weekend activity began with a paintball competition. The boys were “dropped off” at the activity center only to discover that the dads stayed around. In fact, the dads and sons eventually were divided into two competing teams – yes, dads versus the lads – for spirited competition. “We had them going in, but then fatigue set in,” Gundy recalls with a smile. For kids without a father, another significant male role model in their lives joins with them.

The Saturday afternoon paintball competition is designed to get the dads and sons involved in fun activity – but no serious dialogue. “It can’t be heavy or intense up front if we are to keep them engaged,” Gundy says.

The church rented a recreational camp for an overnight stay, and the group moved to that venue for the evening activities. When they arrived at the camp, the boys went with Gundy to play Frisbee while the dads met with several male leaders from the church who talked about what it means to be dads who nurture their sons to become men of God. Following that time, the dads and sons reconvened for a spirited game of football.

One question centered on the amount of playtime to include, McKinney notes, but we quickly realized that quality time together is just what dads and sons need.

The camp includes a small lake with a pathway around it. There were three natural stopping points along the path – a dock, a place with three wooden crosses in place, and a small canyon overlooking a valley littered with debris. It was decided to use the stopping points to focus on the first three of the characteristics of Christian men.

Men from the church were selected to address the characteristics. They were paired – one older and one younger. One spoke about a given characteristic from a biblical perspective – how did Jesus model that particular truth? The other spoke from personal experience, offering an example from their life experience.

The pairs went in advance to each of the stopping points. The dads and sons then began their trek around the pathway, remaining for 20 minutes or so at each stopping point to hear the presentations and converse. The entire group eventually ended up back at the building that would serve as their overnight accommodations where senior pastor Peter McKecknie addressed the fourth characteristic dealing with greater rewards.

The room was set up around a central fireplace. On the fireplace mantel were nine Swiss Army knives, symbolizing a tool that could be used for both good and evil, or to help or to hinder. Each knife was inscribed with a statement in Greek: “When I Became a Man.”

Each father then spoke and presented a knife to his son, symbolizing the handing off of responsibility to become a man to the son and embodying a commitment to lead as a man of God.

The following morning – on Sunday – the group went to Redeemer Covenant where the senior pastor shared with the congregation what had transpired the evening before, challenging the congregation to affirm their commitment to support the dads and sons in this area of growth in their lives.

The most important aspect of this, McKinney believes, is how the experience will affect the family life at home, helping all to understand how to have rapport that is honest. For the kids, they most likely will look to see how the experience changes the ways in which their father interacts with them, she suggests. For the dads, they likely will watch to see how the kids perceive themselves as men of God.

It is too soon to determine the success of the effort, both agree. However, conversation has already started around the idea of developing a program for girls. “We’re thinking they lack an adequate rite of passage, too,” McKinney says. “Their issues are a bit different – issues of identity, self-esteem. The culture is all about the exterior – how they look, increased pressure to perform well in academics, athletics. They need healthy benchmarks, too.

“These families live busy lives,” McKinney continues. “How do kids receive a spiritual heritage from both mom and dad? Or, putting it another way, to know who they are, and whose they are? They belong to Christ.”

“We see the church as the facilitator in all of this,” Gundy notes. “The hope is to help begin a process for families that will continue to grow throughout their lives. We are here to reinforce the family – not substitute for the family.”

To learn more about the program for boys or the development work on a program for girls, call Gundy at 918-269-9658 or email him at gundy@rcctulsa.org.

Copyright © 2011 The Evangelical Covenant Church.